Everyone has their own different life experiences. Here is mine: the way I saw it then and as I see it now.

I used to be a perpetually angry, impatient and depressed child. From the age of 10, I was sent to numerous child psychiatrists. They failed to find the proper treatment for me. Probably the simple answer was that I failed to find the path for myself. I failed to understand what went wrong with me. Returning to Psychiatry became a daily routine. Doctors tried treating my condition by meds but in vain. Actually, the pills took me even deeper. Medication may have tamed me for a while, but under the surface, I was raging high. I had no desire to live. Pure existence caused me pain.

It went on like this till I turned 18. All I knew was that something was not OK with me. I used to hurt myself and others, too. Everyone around me. Especially those who were really close to me.

Then one night I was talking to a very good friend over the phone and he asked me:

– ‘Why do you think you are depressed, Petra?’

– ‘How should I know?! I must have inherited the tendency.’ – I replied impatiently, not thinking too much about my wording.

– ‘No, you are wrong.’ – He responded with a calm tone.

– ‘Then tell me, you brainiac, why I am depressed?’

– ‘Because you want to be depressed.’ – He was talking nicely.

Silence. What came after was a real tsunami. I started yelling at him aggressively, not paying attention on what I was saying, I was hurting him, I told him to piss off, then I just hang up the phone. Following this conversation I took a shower. I was standing there frustrated about the situation asking myself what this guy thought of himself. What a nonsense idea that I felt depressed because I wanted to. Was it my choice? Oh, hell, yes. I was depressed because I chose to be depressed!

That was like turning on the light in my head. I was just staring blankly trying to taste the brand new feeling, the new sensation of the world that had been completely forgotten.

Walking out from the bathroom I was looking around with my eyes wide and I could not help thinking about just one sentence – Because I wanted to be depressed… W-h-a-t-t-h-e-h-e-l-l?! My mother came to me and asked if I was alright. I was hesitant, I gave a shy look to her and I nodded. – ‘Everything is alright.’

Many years have passed since then. These years were full of tears, learning, remembering, practising and, most important of all, endurance.

There were times when I thought I would lose my sanity and something was really wrong with me. My entire belief system that I had learned and traced, everything that had served as my guide were about to fall apart. I had no idea what was waiting for me ‘on the other side’ and I was totally scared of the unknown.

I am not saying that I have completely ignored the thought of death “as the emergency exit – escaping from responsibility” since then. Each of us has their own “demons” (addiction, phobia or in the form of a concept pattern). Some of the ‘demons’ disappear the way we sometimes do not realize at all, while others will emerge occasionally. The question is how we cope with them when they ‘appear’!